{HapPy BirTHdaY, JamEs}

"Godspeed little man,

sweet dreams, little man.

Oh my love will fly to you

each night on angel's wings.

Godspeed, 

Sweet dreams."

~Godspeed, Dixie Chicks~

James would be 20 on this day.  As I have seen  another grieving Mother  do,  here are 50 things I love about him....

Dear James,

I love:

1. Your beautiful face...  Your eyes were always bright.  No matter how tired you were, you always had a look of curiosity and wonder about you.  I never ever saw you with a dull expression.

2. I loved that you were such a happy soul.  Comfortable in your own skin for sure.  I don't think you ever doubted your place in the world.  Even during your awkward 14th year.

3. I loved the way you stuck up for people.  Your friends.  Your brothers.  Yourself.  You knew how to hold your ground, and it seemed natural for you to lend your bravado to others, whoever needed you.  I sometimes thought it gave you a thrill to just join in the cause.

4.  Your laugh was big and hearty, like Dad's.  A guffaw really, and no one could hear it without at least smiling themself.  Even your teachers.

5.  I loved that you were reflective.  Many people probably didn't know this about you, but you loved poetry, words to favorite songs.  Maybe because your adored big brother JW does too. You followed him everywhere.  You ordered what he did in restaurants.  You gave him your full attention when he told you what to do. You made a ring like the one he'd made in High School Jewelry class.   And you picked traits of his to make your own.

6.  You had feet like a puppy.  In adolescence, you didn't want to be the tall kid. Once at a Jr. Jazz basketball game, when you were about 13, Kristie W. said to you, "You know James, the fastest way to draw attention to your height is to slump".  You got her point, and straightened up.  Then  later  you could hardly contain yourself at your good fortune! To be so tall and broad-shouldered!   You flaunted your height, and used it to good measure when you felt threatened. Or when one of your mates did.  

7.  Your cheeks were ruddy, and almost always flushed.  You were always coming in from  a run, a climb, a rugby game, a day in the sun.

8.  You didn't rat on people.  Ever.  You were a bit guarded with news.  I think you really valued trust.  And people did trust you.  

9. I loved your wit.  You made me laugh so hard, so often.  I miss that so much... laughing at your one-liners. 

10. I loved the way you adored Libby Mei.  Before we met her, you told everyone about her.  And then when she came home  you were shameless.  You really could hardly stand to be away from her.  The day before you died, you took her to Eric's in the stroller.  It was so hot, and when you left his house you made him push the stroller up the street while you carried Libby  because you thought it was too hot for your darling sister.  I knew she would be safe with you.  I had such dreams for you and her.  I thought you would have a lifetime together.  At your grave the other day, when we were telling things we loved about you, Libby said "He is my special angel".  She will miss you her whole life.

11. You loved all of our Heavenly Father's creations.  Bugs, animals, trees, the ocean, streams, caves, mountain trails.   You were born that way.  Just always wondering about the world. Olivia sang "What a Wonderful World" (The Eva Cassidy version) at your funeral.  It was perfect. It is what you believed.  Your world truly was wonderful.

12.  Watching you run.  

 

13.  I loved so much, watching you pound your chest for the dog to jump up on.  Then you hugged him.  He gave you his heart, and you didn't take it for granted.

14.  When it was time for bed  you were tired.  And you went to bed  because you needed your strength for the next day.

15.  I loved being with you and your brothers in any public place.  People smiled, admiring you all.  And I'll be honest: it made me proud.  I've heard other mothers say that they aren't defined by their children.  But I am.  And when you're not with us, I want to tell everyone, "There is so much more to our family!"  When I was told  you had died, I cried out "No! I have four sons!" over and over.  It is who I am.  The mother of four sons. And now Libby.

16. I loved your eyelashes.   

17. You were always planning something new.  Something adventurous and challenging.  I thought that you would make such a good Husband and Father.... it takes courage and tenacity to rear a family.  

18.  I loved to watch you read.  You looked rather like a natty professor with your glasses, your mackinaw, your slippers.  

19. When you thought hard, you scowled.

20.  I loved your friends.

  

21.  You loved them too, and they knew that you would always come through.

22.  You were the greatest big brother.  The Saturday before you died, you built a blanket fort for Marshall & you in the basement.  He was so happy to spend time with you... I am so sorry now that I fussed at you both.  He told me later that after I walked upstairs (with a broken toe, from the weight you held the corner of the blanket with falling on it), you told him "Mom is tired.  She has a lot on her mind". 

23.  Your clothes.  I miss buying them for you.  I sometimes see things I know you'd like, and it hurts.

24.  I love that you were so boyish.  As a baby, such a little man.  Always slinging a play gun, a bungee cord, a rat trap.  

25.  Your food requests.  Pineapple.  Watermelon.  Prime Rib.  Always begging me to stock up.  Telling me you were hungry.

26.  You were silly sometimes. As a teen, you'd sneak into the backyard in your swim trunks, and lay in the sun to get tan.  Embarrassed to be caught.  

27.   Your teeth were so big and so white.

28.  When Matt got hurt, you put your head in your hands, sick with worry.  Then you said a prayer.  I knew you loved him.  He was moved when we told him about it.

29.  I loved your kindness.  You loved people, and  you tried to be gentle with them.  

30.  You took problems seriously.  You were about solving them.  Quickly. Hopefully before Dad or I found out. 

31.  You loved me.  You told me so.  And  you were so loyal.

32.  Your intellect.  And though school came easily to you,  you worked so hard to be at the top of your game.

33.  I loved your long legs.  You walked like a cowboy.

34.  People ALWAYS laughed at your jokes.  Had someone else told them, I'm not sure we'd have had such a laugh.  It was just your way.  

35.  Girls swooned for you.  It was sweet to watch.  

36.  I found a text on my phone from you after you died.  "Hi Mom" it said.  It felt like a love note.  And it made me sob.

37.   Tanner wrote you a letter  he read at the funeral.  He said, "What I will miss most James, is just your presence in the room."  

38.  I loved your fingers.  You had such regret for not sticking with the piano.  I think you might have been a little jealous when all of your brothers became good at musical instruments.  When you asked for a harmonica, I knew you had given up.  But still  you tried to master it, making it your own.

39.  I knew that I could trust you. 

40.  You prayed.  You trusted that God would help you.  

41.  You had so much to give the world.  You were not a taker.  

42.  You loved all of your Uncles, Aunts, & Cousins,  so much.  Each is unique, and you had a unique relationship with each one.  You shared funny inside jokes, and little stories.  You loved to be with them, and never balked at a family party or vacation.  Always asking what we'd be eating.

43.  You saw your grandparents as your fan club.  They adored you, and you gave them your love completely.  Your Grandpa Hansen, who died when you were 5, had a big impact on you. You had a few of his things, and you guarded them, handled them,  and looked at them often. When we came home from China, Dad showed me his wallet, given to you by Grammy.  You had put a picture of Libby in it.  

44. Your journal.  I read it and I cry.  Sometimes now, I can laugh too.

45.  All of your contraptions.  You were so earnest about building things.

46.  Hugging you.  The feel of your muscular back.  How you would sometimes pick me up in a hug. I had a dream about you the first birthday after you died.  And I hugged you...

47.  All of your gear.  So specialized and so varied.  Running cleats, Rugby shirts, Short "Trick Skis", A glow-in-the-dark Frisbee.  Piles of things that you hankered for, and then actually used to learn something new.

48.  The sound of you  rumbling up the stairs.  

49.  Your deep voice.  A commanding voice for a boy.

50.    I love that after you died, I could picture you standing before your Father in Heaven, and I thought of  you showing Him the man you had become.  I love your faith that everything would work out.  That good things would come to you. You were right James.  

Happy Birthday.  Love, Mom