"Yea, though I WALK
THROUGH the valley
of the shadow of DEATH,
I will FEAR no evil:
for THOU art with ME;
thy rod and THY staff
they COMFORT me."
~Psalms 23:4~
~James' shoes, now cast in bronze... left in our family room on June 12, 2006~
I sit here, trying to find words to somehow mark this awful day. I just do not know how. There is so much to remember, so many horrible details. I have thought of this scripture so many times, "...the valley of the shadow of death". It is such an apt description of grief. A vast, cold, dark valley with seemingly no end. The memories of that day are so raw and so brutal.
I know that we have not walked through this valley alone. We have had so much help. So much love and compassion. I have felt divine help on so many occasions. Sacred experiences have come to our family. Thoughts and memories have come to me, and people have offered so much insight to me, to lift me and to give me hope. We have so many beautiful letters from people we love. Their words are so precious to me. This e-mail is one that our sweet friend, Deb sent us:
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Dear John and Erin,
We wanted you all to know how much you are in our thoughts and prayers. I feel as though I cannot convey what I really want to say so please bear with me. I can say this....I am so grateful to know you and to watch all the wonderful things that you do. You have raised such beautiful, loving and thoughtful children...it is obvious that you both are so close to the spirit of the Savior. It has truly touched Dean and I like nothing we have ever felt. They say that when you are close to someone who goes through a tragic event that much of the pain can be resonated and felt by those who love and care for you. I will say your pain echos deep inside us and we pray for your hearts to beat softly and soundly soon. I wanted to tell you something that happened on Monday night. As you were holding Libby (Erin) she was trying to mimic your sounds, tears and pain. She patted your back and I heard her say "Mama". I couldn't believe my ears. I know she felt your pain and called out to comfort you. It was so special and sweet. What a beautiful little girl. In some small way I knew that later it would help you to know how much she has learned and gained from you already. We are here for you and we hope your pain will lessen in the coming weeks. We love you and we will seek your immediate healing from the Savior.
Love,
Deb, Dean, & Family
I believe that someday we will understand the reasons why our son had to leave us. I do believe that there was a reason. Many people have asked us if we think it was his time to die. John once answered, "I am not sure, but I do know that he was prepared to meet God." We are quite certain of this. He was just so good. I miss him so terribly. The boys said today... "I cannot believe he is gone." Maybe we will always feel this way. It seems that the planets just are not in alignment, the earth is not on it's axis, the world is awry without him.
22 comments:
Oh Erin!!! How wonderful you preserved them....I am so so sorry for what you have had to endure. What a comfort that James is yours forever!!! Thinking of you and praying during this anniversary time.
Erin,
You don't know me and I can't remember how I found you either. I think it was through adoption blogs. We are in the process of adopting from China right now. I read your blog all the way through the first night I found it. I found myself in tears over the loss of you son. I could tell he was such a wonderful boy. We are LDS too and how grateful we are to have the knowledge we do about forever families!!! I hope you find peace and comfort through this anniversary time.
Sincerely,
Heather from TN
What a wonderful memory the shoes bring, plus all the other wonderful things James did during his life that will always be reminders. I am so glad you have the blessings of the temple. You are a great woman Erin. I find peace and strength in you.
Hello...my name is Stephany and im from Ontario,Canada. I've been following your blog for some time now. I cannot even begin to imagine your pain today and for the rest of your days. You must miss your beautiful son so much. He was very brave. I dont have to tell you what you already know...that someday you will be reunited with your James. It is a cruel wait at times but the day will come when you will see him again in heaven. What an amazing reunion it will be. God Bless.
What can I say... we love you all, you are in our thoughts and prayers! We think of James often and the thought of him and Grandpa together makes me smile. WE LOVE YOU!!!
Erin-
You are such a strong and valiant person. I can not even begin to imagine the raw and tender thoughts, feelings, and memories you hold in your heart.
I admire your strength - your children speak volumes of the kind of parents you and J are . . . you are raising such a strong and righteous posterity. Thank you for your example and influence.
No words to say. I feel your sadness. You shared a lovely e-mail and the story of Libby patting your back touched me in such a way. She was so meant for you and you and your family for her.
I KNOW your sweet, brave James is watching over you all and although I never knew him, I am sure he is so proud of you all.
My friend...my prayers adn thoughts are with you as you mark this terrible anniversary. Your grace in the face of such tragedy continues to astound me. I know you did not want to be an example and in fact, would give your own life in an instant NOT to be remembering this day...but if you can take any comfort from the fact that your story, your life, YOU, have helped me so much...more than I could ever convey...please accept my gratitude.
Peace and comfort to you at this time.
Kate
Erin, I'm so very sorry for your loss. All I can do is pray that your heart and mind will be filled with peace and with beautiful memories of your boy. God bless you and your family today and every day.
What a beautiful entry and tribute to a wonderful son and his family. I don't think anyone can read your story without feeling such heartbreak and sense of loss and despair. But I am so thankful that we each have been blessed with the gospel of hope. To know in our hearts that, thanks be to Jesus Christ, this is not the end. That there is more to come and "the best is yet to come". May God bless you and your family here. I know you know that James is still with you. I would love the privilege of meeting him some day!
Erin, I sure wish I had something very beautiful to write that would comfort your heart in some way but I know you have heard it all. I can only say that there had to have been a divine reason that Miss Libby was placed in your lives at that time. In our experiences when God takes a life he has always provided another. Your sweet James will always be remembered as an honorable young man. I know in your hearts that his memory is alive and well. I am sure that you gave him a wonderful earthly life and I am sure in some way he misses you as well. I am sending huge hugs your way and praying for your family. The bronze shoes took my breath away.
Erin, I feel like I don't really have anything to say, although my heart feels so much as I read your thoughts from this post. My email I just sent pretty much says it all. Sometimes I just cry and then pray because there are just no words. Please know that I thought of you quite a bit this morning after reading this and then prayed for you.
Today was such a special day for me because of you, thank you for that. :)
It must be very difficult missing your son. I will pray for you on this anniversary. May God comfort your heart as you endure.
That was a beautiful letter from your friend, and such poignant, lonesome, beautiful thoughts that you shared with us. I remember when James got hurt while we were in China, how plain and raw the anxiety was on your face. I could see the neverending depths of love and concern there, and that is the most beautiful portrait of motherhood that I have ever seen. I wish we could somehow share your burden. You are in out prayers always.
I am so very sorry about your precious son James. Your love and pride shine through every word that you write about him. Clearly he was a wonderful boy and left a huge void in this world. Sending love and prayers your way.
Oh Erin, Thinking of you this weekend! Wish I was in town to give you a hug. We love you and will always continue to pray for you to feel comfort and peace.
Erin,
From what I have read on your blog, your son filled those shoes! He seems to me to be an amazing person. I wish I had some more words of comfort. Please know that I will be praying for you and your family during this time. Much peace, Casey
Erin,
I am so sorry that your family has to mark this anniversary. I loved the email you shared from your friend-in the depths of pain and sorrow there is always some light to grasp onto. I lost my mother in law in January-two months after we brought Ella home. She never had the opportunity to meet our sweet Ella. We were 10 days away from sealing Ella in the Mesa Temple and she was flying down to attend and meet her new granddaughter. Instead, we flew to Utah for a funeral and introduced Ella to all our family under those circumstances. I understand very well about the questions...the why's and how the world seems askew after an unexpected death. I wish you the greatest comfort-you raised a righteous son and I can only imagine the sweet reunion you will have with him one day.
Oh Erin,
My heart breaks for you. I do not understand why we lose our children. When Evan died, a dear friend wrote to me whose 15 year old son, Billy had died the year before. Her words brought me so much comfort then and continue to do so every day. She said " Be as tough as you dare and continue to wait for the sun to shine." Every time the sun shines I think of my children safe in Jesus' arms.
I pray that the sun shines brightly on your family.
Erin, I am also at a loss for what to say. I admire your faith and your strength. I do believe that there is a reason and I do believe that your minister to others here.
I pray for you that your pain will lessen. We know James is at peace in heaven.
Oh Erin, when I saw the shoes, a chill ran over me. I lost my Dad suddenly 3 years ago, and as I walked out of the hospital E.R. room where they had taken him just a few hours before, I turned to the nurse and asked for his boots. I had no idea what I was going to do with them but I wanted them. My Dad always prayed that he would go quickly and while working, and thats exactly what happened. They are sitting in the same bag the nurse placed them that day, and I just can't bear to look at them ...yet.
My heart is with you and simply can't imagine what your family has gone through. I never knew your son personally, but what a gift he has given so many that never 'knew' him. Thinking about you.
Once you have lost someone you love so dearly, you want to put your arms around those others that are going through suffering. May God Bless and comfort you and all of your family.
Hi Erin!
Thank you so much for the info on the boots. I wonder if there is any way to do this and leave the boots as they were? I might be showing my ignorance here :) Anyway, I'm thinking seriously about it. You were so sweet to pass this on to me. Thank you.
Erin,
I know each day is hard and he is never far from your thoughts. It is always a fear of every mom to lose their child. Thank goodness for the gospel and the knowledge that you will see him again. I know you miss his face and laugh and smile and smell and all of the things I would miss. My ptayers are regularly with you.
Susan
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